There have been a few moments where I have been watching TV or a movie I've found myself amused by what some other infertile character says or does.
A few months a go I was watching Baby Mama with Tina Fey. There is a scene at the beginning where she is taking a pregnancy test after Invitro. The test is negative, but when she goes to the mirror you see sticky notes that say, "Maybe next month!" or , "Think Fertile!" I thought that part was pretty funny.
Then this weeknd I was watching an old Sex & the City episode where Charlotte thought her dog was getting fat and found out that really she was pregnant. Charlotte freaks out and is completly undone because everyone around her is pregnant and the dog is pregnant "on her first time!" This sounded like a very familiar conversation (or conversations) I've had with Justin. Poor guy.
As the journey continues I'll appreciate these amusing moments more and "Think Fertile!"
Monday, August 29, 2011
Not Plan A or B...
...I think it's more like we're on plan C or D.
This weekend we had our 3rd insemination appointment. The first time I had to go by myself and I was a lot more emotional that I had anticipated. It just seemed so foreign, unromantic, and unfair. It's just not the way I imagined my future child's moment of conception. I pretty much started crying if anyone said anything to me, even if they were asking me a question completely unrelated. The second time was better, Justin was able to go with me.
The days that lead up to an insemination are very scheduled. Take medicine day 3-7, start using ovulation tests on day 10 until you ovulate, have sex every other day starting on day 12, on the morning that you test positive for ovulation call doctor to schedule insemination. On the morning of insemination Justin does the deed in a specimen cup and then I have to carry the cup under my shirt to keep the sperm warm. Take sperm to lab to be cleaned and have the bad ones taken out. Then they give you a test tube that you take to your appointment. Then you lay on the table (like for a PAP) and they open you up and insert a catheter inside where they release the sperm. Then they prop your butt up for about 10 minutes and you then you go on your merry way. The next two weeks drag on and then you know if it worked or not.
This time when I went to pick up the specimen cup the lady wanted a doctor to give me directions, I said that wasn't necessary we've done it before. I guess you could say we are professionals now, which in this case is not a good thing. I have been really trying to be more hopeful this time. I have a friend that did insemination 3 weeks ago and it worked for her the first time. But with being hopeful, comes consequences if it doesn't work. I will be overcome with grief for a day or two and then I'll put the wall back up, pick myself up and carry on. BUT hopefully it won't come to that!
After the insemination as the doctor was leaving I could tell Justin was about to say something and then thought better of it. After the doctor left Justin said he almost said, "thanks for knocking up my wife." There are funny moments and hopefully one day the whole thing will be a distant memory that is not so raw.
This weekend we had our 3rd insemination appointment. The first time I had to go by myself and I was a lot more emotional that I had anticipated. It just seemed so foreign, unromantic, and unfair. It's just not the way I imagined my future child's moment of conception. I pretty much started crying if anyone said anything to me, even if they were asking me a question completely unrelated. The second time was better, Justin was able to go with me.
The days that lead up to an insemination are very scheduled. Take medicine day 3-7, start using ovulation tests on day 10 until you ovulate, have sex every other day starting on day 12, on the morning that you test positive for ovulation call doctor to schedule insemination. On the morning of insemination Justin does the deed in a specimen cup and then I have to carry the cup under my shirt to keep the sperm warm. Take sperm to lab to be cleaned and have the bad ones taken out. Then they give you a test tube that you take to your appointment. Then you lay on the table (like for a PAP) and they open you up and insert a catheter inside where they release the sperm. Then they prop your butt up for about 10 minutes and you then you go on your merry way. The next two weeks drag on and then you know if it worked or not.
This time when I went to pick up the specimen cup the lady wanted a doctor to give me directions, I said that wasn't necessary we've done it before. I guess you could say we are professionals now, which in this case is not a good thing. I have been really trying to be more hopeful this time. I have a friend that did insemination 3 weeks ago and it worked for her the first time. But with being hopeful, comes consequences if it doesn't work. I will be overcome with grief for a day or two and then I'll put the wall back up, pick myself up and carry on. BUT hopefully it won't come to that!
After the insemination as the doctor was leaving I could tell Justin was about to say something and then thought better of it. After the doctor left Justin said he almost said, "thanks for knocking up my wife." There are funny moments and hopefully one day the whole thing will be a distant memory that is not so raw.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Belief
Since this journey started about 18 months ago I have acomplished a lot of amazing things. I ran a half marathon in May and my first triathlon just a few weeks ago. Justin encouraged me do these things because it helped me focus on something other than making a baby or in our case the inability to do so. Training for something was one thing I could control and overcome myself.
But I have struggled with doing the one thing that should be so obvious and come so easy and that is prayer. I just didn't know what to pray for. I knew what I wanted, but if that wasn't God's will then I should pray for God's will to be done...but really I am afraid of God's will because I just want a baby. I want a little Justin/Kristina and I'm just not ready to let that go. Do I pray for peace? But with praying for peace does that mean I am giving up? Then I feel like there are so many more important things I could be praying for, such as a friend who's mother was diagnosed with cancer. Praying for a baby seems so trivial next to that. Needless to say I've just been at a loss for words. Also, along with my roller coaster of emotions (thanks in part to the situation and the medicine the doctor has me on) comes a rollercoaster of feelings towards God. I know that He is the only one who can help me and I do believe that, but sometimes I just feel mad, or sad, lonely, thankful, blessed, abandoned and those feelings just get in the way. I felt like I was being punished at first, now I just deal with feeling like I am in morning. Like I lost a loved one.
But this past weekend I think I finally found my answer about what to pray for and/or how to pray. In our church the lesson was on Mark 9:14-29. Mark 9:24 really spoke to me, "Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief." I believe that God can overcome my infertility, but my unbelief due to 9 months of charting, 6 months of Clomid, 2 inseminations, and countless friends getting pregnant the first month is getting in the way. So now I have my answer. I will be praying for God to help me overcome my unbelief.
But I have struggled with doing the one thing that should be so obvious and come so easy and that is prayer. I just didn't know what to pray for. I knew what I wanted, but if that wasn't God's will then I should pray for God's will to be done...but really I am afraid of God's will because I just want a baby. I want a little Justin/Kristina and I'm just not ready to let that go. Do I pray for peace? But with praying for peace does that mean I am giving up? Then I feel like there are so many more important things I could be praying for, such as a friend who's mother was diagnosed with cancer. Praying for a baby seems so trivial next to that. Needless to say I've just been at a loss for words. Also, along with my roller coaster of emotions (thanks in part to the situation and the medicine the doctor has me on) comes a rollercoaster of feelings towards God. I know that He is the only one who can help me and I do believe that, but sometimes I just feel mad, or sad, lonely, thankful, blessed, abandoned and those feelings just get in the way. I felt like I was being punished at first, now I just deal with feeling like I am in morning. Like I lost a loved one.
But this past weekend I think I finally found my answer about what to pray for and/or how to pray. In our church the lesson was on Mark 9:14-29. Mark 9:24 really spoke to me, "Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief." I believe that God can overcome my infertility, but my unbelief due to 9 months of charting, 6 months of Clomid, 2 inseminations, and countless friends getting pregnant the first month is getting in the way. So now I have my answer. I will be praying for God to help me overcome my unbelief.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Psalm 23 by Judith Booth
Today I saw a picture of an acquaintance's new baby boy. My immediate thought, normal or not, was will I ever have a picture like that? And then the anxiety sets in. So instead of stressing out, I'm writing on my blog and taking comfort in these words...
The Lord is my peace. I shall not live in anxiety. He puts me under his wing of comfort and calms my spirit within me. He takes my anxieties on Himself and helps me to focus on Him. Yes, though I walk through a time of grave uncertainties and fierce anxieties, I will not fret - for You are my peace. Your Word and Your presence calm me now. You hold my uncertainties in the palm of Your hand. You soothe my anxious mind - You smooth my wrinkled brow. Surely serenity and trust in You shall fill me all of the days of my life. And I shall keep my mind stayed on you forever.
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