Belief

Since this journey started about 18 months ago I have acomplished a lot of amazing things. I ran a half marathon in May and my first triathlon just a few weeks ago. Justin encouraged me do these things because it helped me focus on something other than making a baby or in our case the inability to do so. Training for something was one thing I could control and overcome myself.

But I have struggled with doing the one thing that should be so obvious and come so easy and that is prayer. I just didn't know what to pray for. I knew what I wanted, but if that wasn't God's will then I should pray for God's will to be done...but really I am afraid of God's will because I just want a baby. I want a little Justin/Kristina and I'm just not ready to let that go. Do I pray for peace? But with praying for peace does that mean I am giving up? Then I feel like there are so many more important things I could be praying for, such as a friend who's mother was diagnosed with cancer. Praying for a baby seems so trivial next to that. Needless to say I've just been at a loss for words. Also, along with my roller coaster of emotions (thanks in part to the situation and the medicine the doctor has me on) comes a rollercoaster of feelings towards God. I know that He is the only one who can help me and I do believe that, but sometimes I just feel mad, or sad, lonely, thankful, blessed, abandoned and those feelings just get in the way. I felt like I was being punished at first, now I just deal with feeling like I am in morning. Like I lost a loved one.

But this past weekend I think I finally found my answer about what to pray for and/or how to pray. In our church the lesson was on Mark 9:14-29. Mark 9:24 really spoke to me, "Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief." I believe that God can overcome my infertility, but my unbelief due to 9 months of charting, 6 months of Clomid, 2 inseminations, and countless friends getting pregnant the first month is getting in the way. So now I have my answer. I will be praying for God to help me overcome my unbelief.