First Purchase

Well I made my first purchase for the baby and considering that I am 18 weeks I feel like that is an accomplishment!

I ordered this adorable giraffe bath towel from Pottery Barn Kids. When we got it in the mail Monday, Justin didn't even give me a hard time. Which means he thinks it's adorable too!

We decided to try it out first on Winston...

Christmas Past, Present & Future

Luke 2:15-16 When the angels went away from them into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let us go over to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has made known to us.”And they went with haste and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby lying in a manger.

2 Corinthians 9:15 (KJV) Thanks be unto God for his unspeakable gift.

This year as I carry a little one with me as we go off to spend Christmas with family I can't help but relate a little more with Mary and the story of Christ's birth. Only we're not traveling by donkey, I still still have a little until I give birth, and I don't think this baby will be born in a barn (at least here's hoping!). However, I do hope to feel this little one for the first time over Christmas and that will possibly be the best Christmas gift I have ever received!

I have always loved the season of Christmas. My family made it a joyous time filled with love and family traditions. I am excited to share that with our baby. Justin is not a big Christmas fan, as hard as I try. He's not Scrooge, but he's no Bob Cratchit either. So baby if you only knew the plans I have for you! You are going to love Christmas!

I am so excited to spend our first Christmas together as a family and my hopes and dreams for you are just as any Mom's are...I imagine even Mary's.

Some things worth remembering...

Taking a moment to write down a few pregnancy memories.

Last week was Thanksgiving. We always have lots to be thankful for, but even more so this year! That was our last Thanksgiving as a family of 2 FOREVER! My parents came to visit with their dog Bella. We had a blast and the visit went by too fast!

Occasionally I feel a little flutter or weird feeling at the bottom of my bump, but I'm not sure whether it is the baby I am feeling or something stretching or just my food digesting. I guess that will become more clear in the next couple weeks. Next week I have another doctors appointment. Can't wait to hear the heart beat again and for Justin to hear it for the first time!

Above is a picture taken on Thanksgiving when I am a couple days short of 15 weeks. I think I got a bump really fast, but maybe not. I don't really have anything to compare it to...

Firsts

In the last 2 months I've had alot of firsts. I had a positive pregnancy test for the first time. I then took two more during the week...just to make sure I was still pregnant and you never get tired of seeing the test say PREGNANT instead of NOT PREGNANT. I saw the baby for the first and second time. Apparently we are having a trapeze artist, because baby likes to hangout upside down. I went to the maternity store for the first time. I think it must be a requirement that you have to be pregnant to work there...or maybe they are just wearing fake bumps under their clothes! I bet that's it! And last, but not least I got to hear the baby's heart beat for the first time! So very amazing and an answer to many many prayers from many many people!

10 Weeks & Counting...

I realize that it has been quite awhile since I have written, I think it's because sometimes it seems like it's too good to be true. I still feel like my old "infertile" self, there's a lot of feelings that have not gone away. It was a very sensitive time and I expect to struggle with those feelings for awhile. A friend the other night was bragging about how his wife gets pregnant the first month and I couldn't help but take it personal and feel like it was an attack on me. I had to remind myself that I am pregnant and he just doesn't get it.

BUT there have been lots of good things that have happened in the last 6 weeks as well! I have been able to see the baby twice and one time I swear I saw a little wave. Of course I waved back. I think I am getting past the "morning sickness" stage, which was really an "all day" car sickness feeling. Just as I'm writing this, I'm feeling a little nauseous. :o) I feel little twinges or pinches, which I am told is everything stretching and getting ready for the baby to get bigger. Today my tailbone is killing me. Not sure what that is about, but hopefully it's not a sign of what's to come the next 30 weeks!

I can tell that Justin is getting more and more excited. Every once in awhile he'll kiss my belly goodbye in the mornings. And I like to tell him fun little facts like, "our baby has nipples now." :o)

Everyone is excited to meet this little one and I am looking forward to my next appointment, so that we can finally start telling people!

Worth the Wait

This blog started out as a journal for me and I never really intended on anyone else seeing it. I just started writing in it a little over a month ago, although I considered doing it for over a year. I think I was just too private with my feelings to put it in writing. But then I thought that if I put these things in writing one day I would look back and I would see the road I had journeyed and where it had taken me. Little did I know that road was about to take a major turn. That's right I'm pregnant!

I still don't understand why I was asked to wait so long, but I know that the baby growing inside me is worth the wait!

Saturday morning I got up early because I had to proctor the ACT at Justin's school. I took a pregnancy test and started putting on my make-up. I took it because I didn't want to feel like I was waiting all weekend to see if I started or not. It was more a method of controlling my anxiety than really seeing if I was pregnant. Then I looked down and it said I was pregnant. I was completely stunned to say the least.

Then I was thinking, "Shoot! Justin had wanted to be a part of this." He was still sleeping in the other room, not knowing his life was about to change. I debated whether I should fess up to taking a test without him or pretend like I hadn't. In the end I was too excited to wait, so I woke him up, at 6:30 on a Saturday morning, to tell him he was going to be a Dad! Needless to say he was excited!

I went to the school and I had four hours to get lost in my own excitement, thoughts, and dreams. Then I took another test just to be sure. You can never see that positive test too many times, right? All day I felt nauseous, but I'm pretty sure it was all in my head. Because I have felt fine since then. :o)

Yesterday I found out I had to go take a blood test. I immediately got nervous, like I was taking the SAT and I wasn't going to pass or something. So I took another home test, just to make sure. (Like I said, you can't see it too many times.) I passed the home test and the blood test with excellant numbers...whatever that means.

I haven't stopped thanking the Lord since, but I should also thank my family & friends who supported me. We aren't telling people yet, because I know that I am at a higher risk for miscarrying. So I'll just keep believing in a healthy pregnancy and praising the Lord for working miracles!

Patiently, Impatiently Waiting

Tomorrow I take the test. I am still optimistic, but a little nervous/anxious. A friend of mine posted this on FB this week and I felt like God was speaking to me.

We serve a God of possibilities, there's always a chance. Genesis 30:22

It brought me that last bit of hope that I needed to keep believing.

Movie Moments

There have been a few moments where I have been watching TV or a movie I've found myself amused by what some other infertile character says or does.

A few months a go I was watching Baby Mama with Tina Fey. There is a scene at the beginning where she is taking a pregnancy test after Invitro. The test is negative, but when she goes to the mirror you see sticky notes that say, "Maybe next month!" or , "Think Fertile!" I thought that part was pretty funny.

Then this weeknd I was watching an old Sex & the City episode where Charlotte thought her dog was getting fat and found out that really she was pregnant. Charlotte freaks out and is completly undone because everyone around her is pregnant and the dog is pregnant "on her first time!" This sounded like a very familiar conversation (or conversations) I've had with Justin. Poor guy.

As the journey continues I'll appreciate these amusing moments more and "Think Fertile!"

Not Plan A or B...

...I think it's more like we're on plan C or D.

This weekend we had our 3rd insemination appointment. The first time I had to go by myself and I was a lot more emotional that I had anticipated. It just seemed so foreign, unromantic, and unfair. It's just not the way I imagined my future child's moment of conception. I pretty much started crying if anyone said anything to me, even if they were asking me a question completely unrelated. The second time was better, Justin was able to go with me.

The days that lead up to an insemination are very scheduled. Take medicine day 3-7, start using ovulation tests on day 10 until you ovulate, have sex every other day starting on day 12, on the morning that you test positive for ovulation call doctor to schedule insemination. On the morning of insemination Justin does the deed in a specimen cup and then I have to carry the cup under my shirt to keep the sperm warm. Take sperm to lab to be cleaned and have the bad ones taken out. Then they give you a test tube that you take to your appointment. Then you lay on the table (like for a PAP) and they open you up and insert a catheter inside where they release the sperm. Then they prop your butt up for about 10 minutes and you then you go on your merry way. The next two weeks drag on and then you know if it worked or not.

This time when I went to pick up the specimen cup the lady wanted a doctor to give me directions, I said that wasn't necessary we've done it before. I guess you could say we are professionals now, which in this case is not a good thing. I have been really trying to be more hopeful this time. I have a friend that did insemination 3 weeks ago and it worked for her the first time. But with being hopeful, comes consequences if it doesn't work. I will be overcome with grief for a day or two and then I'll put the wall back up, pick myself up and carry on. BUT hopefully it won't come to that!

After the insemination as the doctor was leaving I could tell Justin was about to say something and then thought better of it. After the doctor left Justin said he almost said, "thanks for knocking up my wife." There are funny moments and hopefully one day the whole thing will be a distant memory that is not so raw.

Belief

Since this journey started about 18 months ago I have acomplished a lot of amazing things. I ran a half marathon in May and my first triathlon just a few weeks ago. Justin encouraged me do these things because it helped me focus on something other than making a baby or in our case the inability to do so. Training for something was one thing I could control and overcome myself.

But I have struggled with doing the one thing that should be so obvious and come so easy and that is prayer. I just didn't know what to pray for. I knew what I wanted, but if that wasn't God's will then I should pray for God's will to be done...but really I am afraid of God's will because I just want a baby. I want a little Justin/Kristina and I'm just not ready to let that go. Do I pray for peace? But with praying for peace does that mean I am giving up? Then I feel like there are so many more important things I could be praying for, such as a friend who's mother was diagnosed with cancer. Praying for a baby seems so trivial next to that. Needless to say I've just been at a loss for words. Also, along with my roller coaster of emotions (thanks in part to the situation and the medicine the doctor has me on) comes a rollercoaster of feelings towards God. I know that He is the only one who can help me and I do believe that, but sometimes I just feel mad, or sad, lonely, thankful, blessed, abandoned and those feelings just get in the way. I felt like I was being punished at first, now I just deal with feeling like I am in morning. Like I lost a loved one.

But this past weekend I think I finally found my answer about what to pray for and/or how to pray. In our church the lesson was on Mark 9:14-29. Mark 9:24 really spoke to me, "Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief." I believe that God can overcome my infertility, but my unbelief due to 9 months of charting, 6 months of Clomid, 2 inseminations, and countless friends getting pregnant the first month is getting in the way. So now I have my answer. I will be praying for God to help me overcome my unbelief.

Psalm 23 by Judith Booth

Today I saw a picture of an acquaintance's new baby boy. My immediate thought, normal or not, was will I ever have a picture like that? And then the anxiety sets in. So instead of stressing out, I'm writing on my blog and taking comfort in these words...

The Lord is my peace. I shall not live in anxiety. He puts me under his wing of comfort and calms my spirit within me. He takes my anxieties on Himself and helps me to focus on Him. Yes, though I walk through a time of grave uncertainties and fierce anxieties, I will not fret - for You are my peace. Your Word and Your presence calm me now. You hold my uncertainties in the palm of Your hand. You soothe my anxious mind - You smooth my wrinkled brow. Surely serenity and trust in You shall fill me all of the days of my life. And I shall keep my mind stayed on you forever.

Waiting

Recently I recieved an email from a friend who was telling me that she was unexpectantly pregnant. She and her husband were not even trying to get pregnant and at that moment it completely broke my heart.

When someone tells me that they are pregnant I have a million different emotions all at once. of course I am happy for them, but I am also jealous and sad for myself and my situation.

That same week I recieved an email about "Waiting" from a dear friend who can relate to what I have been going through because she has been on this journey as well.

When God asks us to wait it's so easy to question your belief system. It causes you to give way to anger, doubt, to discouragement, envy & inactivity. Waiting presents you with a spiritual choice. Do I allow myself to questions God's goodness and grow bitter & weaker in faith or will I embrace the opportunity of faith that He is giving me?

This journey has been a rollercoaster of emotions. I am tired of waiting. I am tired of not letting myself get my hopes up, because that disappointment is so much worse than regular disappointment. Sometimes I feel completely desperate and alone. Then other times I feel hope. Sometimes I cry and sometimes I try to remain positive. I never know when the next emotion is going to rush in, so when I have good days I really try to enjoy them.

I feel the only thing left now is to take it one step at a time and try not to picture my life one way or the other. I can only know what the next step is, not the whole journey. When I try to picture what will be 2 years out, I get overwhelmed & I worry about still not having a child to call min

In the meantime I will pray...and in the end this journey will probably be better than anything I could ever imagine.

One day it will be my turn...

...to get excited
...to love on you
...to pick out your name
...to decorate your room
...to have a baby shower
...to buy you clothes & toys
...to watch you grow
...to hear you laugh
...to see a little bit of me and a little bit of Justin in you
...to teach you about Jesus
...to take a million pictures of you
...to pick you up when you cry
...to be your Mom.